HALLOWEEN WHORROR SHOW

It’s that time of year again! When Halloween stores everywhere try to get us all to dress like hobags. Deva, my blogging buddy from MyLifeSuckers and I started looking at some of the costumes out there this year and HOLY HELL!

We came across a whole category of sexy children’s character costumes. You know, costumes that SHOULD NOT EXIST. (The phrase “sexy children’s character costumes” shouldn’t even exist!)
It’s not like we want everyone to dress like nuns on Halloween. We’re fine with sexy cop, sexy nurse, blah, blah, blah. If you’re an adult and you want to dress up like a Skankenstein or Freddy Cougar, hell if you wanna be a sexy OBGYN, knock yourself out. But what we’re NOT fine with is Sexy Olaf. Is nothing sacred??  Here are 10 sexy children’s character costumes that should not exist:

So please, before you deck yourself out as a sexy Disney character this year, THINK OF THE CHILDREN! We don’t want to explain to our daughters why Olaf suddenly has two DD snowballs.

Leather Pouches for Kids

It's Ashley here with a fun project to add to your Christmas crafting list this year. These leather pouches are designed with littles in mind and can be finished without the use of a sewing machine. It would also be really easy to substitute leather with felted wool or vinyl—anything with a bit of sturdiness to it. I made Ruby's first and almost had to hide it to ensure I would be able photograph it before she filled it with crayons, rocks, and toy horses so I think this project was a win.

To make this project you'll need the following: 1. Supplies: One cut of leather, felted wool, or vinyl measuring about 8" x 18" (per pouch), small pieces of contrasting scrap leather for details, three strips of fabric measuring about 2" x 42" (not shown), waxed linen cord, a needle made for leather work, an awl, a cutting mat, sharp scissors, and an x-acto knife. 2. Cut out eyelashes and a nose or any other details you'd like to add to the top flap. 3. Round off one short end of the leather as shown. I used a Pyrex dish and pen to trace a nice round edge and then cut along my line with my shears. Then, I measured about 6" from that rounded edge and made a rounded triangular cut with my x-acto knife to create ear flaps. The negative space will be used for the straps to be stitched in. 4. I placed my eyelashes and nose in place on the open flap and used my awl to poke holes through both layers of leather. 5. I then separated them and made bigger holes before stitching them to the front flap. If you are using felted wool or vinyl you may just be able to use a fabric or gorilla glue to adhere your detail pieces. 6. I braided my three strips of fabric to create my strap and stitched each in to the inside of the ouch with the straps coming out of the ear holes. 7. Finally, I folded my pouch up and poked holes through one side at a time with my awl before stitching them shut. I started on the inside near the top, stitched to the bottom, and then stitched back up to the top in the opposite direction.

1. Supplies: As shown in the first set of instructions, a cut of leather measuring about 8" x 14" for the pouch, scraps of leather or buttons or felt for details, waxed linen cord, a needle for leather work, an awl, three strips of fabric measuring about 2" x 42", sharp scissors, a cutting mat, and an x-acto knife. Cut a small strip of fabric about 1" x 3" and stitch it about 1" away from one of the short ends of your larger piece of leather so that it's almost folded up like a caterpillar. You'll need to pre-poke your holes using your awl and then thread your waxed linen through with your leather needle. Tie off on the back side of the leather. 2. Round off the opposite end using a dish as your template and then make a cut centered about 1.5" above the rounded edge. Your cut should be larger than your leather strip that will fit through it. 3. Fold your pouch up and stitch together at the sides as shown above. Instead of cutting ear shapes for this one I just cut regular slits in the same spot and stuck the ends of the straps through to the inside of the bag before stitching them down. 4. I then added two cuts of scrap leather for the eyes and stitched them down.

Enjoy! -Ashley

Baby Shower

My Experience with "Pregnancy Brain".

As far as pregnancies go, mine was easy: No real morning sickness to speak of, no gestational diabetes or talk of bed rest, no bleeding—not even a single hemorrhoid. 

I’d read about possible complications and heard firsthand the horror stories from friends who were not so lucky, but I was lucky. I know that. I felt really grateful and, honestly, a tad smug. What’s the big deal? This pregnancy thing is a breeze! Behold my awesome fecundity! I am obviously the perfect vessel for burgeoning life! Fertility goddess personified right here.

That smug superiority bit me in the ass when I experienced other, more subtle side effects of housing a tiny human.

I’d read in passing some nonsense about how massive fluctuations in hormones while pregnant may cause some memory and cognitive impairment.

Yeah, about that.

Memory? Cognitive impairment, you say? To put it more bluntly, I immediately developed what can only be described as a serious case of the dumbz. Some people think pregnancy brain is a myth, but let me tell you, friends, my sudden onset dumb-mentia was very real. Here are just a few of the feeble-minded baby-brain farts I’ll admit to:

My memory went to shit.

OK, it wasn’t that stellar to begin with, but suddenly I couldn’t remember certain… What do you call those things in sentences? Oh yeah, words. I couldn’t remember why I had walked into a room or where I put my purse. (It was in that place where we sometimes keep food. Not the cold one. The pantry! Obviously.)

I became completely useless.

I was still working at the time and wanted to prove I could handle the 8-hour days. I tried to keep the number of snoring, drooling naps at my desk to three or four a day, tops. Also, during my first trimester, I got lost driving to the office, which was totally reasonable because I had only worked there for  2 years.

I was a maternity fashion model—when I was five minutes pregnant.

The pee wasn’t even dry on the stick, and yet there I was, plopping down the plastic for designer maternity duds. Buying them and wearing them. That’s right—I was so insane excited, I started wearing actual maternity clothes at around 6 weeks. Who does that? Dummies, that’s who. By the end of the second trimester, of course, I couldn’t fit into any of those adorable, expensive ensembles. I bought more. By my second pregnancy, I wanted to burn all of it.

I also bought a beautiful white nightgown and matching robe for my hospital stay, because nothing goes better with bloody, postpartum mesh panties than a white silk nightgown. Idiot!

I forgot I was not actually giving birth to the heir of any throne.

Most of my other dumb purchases were the standard new-mom impulse buys, but I took it a moronic step further and began accumulating fancy, hand-smocked newborn outfits. Newborn! Apparently I was preparing to birth and dress the Duke of Cambridge himself. The kind of fancy-ass outfits that I would have to iron.Iron! Cut to a year later when my darling little Duke laid a massive dookie, and we’re talking blowout (code: brown, running-down-both legs dookie—in his cream-colored linen ensemble. I took the whole mess off and threw that outfit in a dumpster behind my Mommy and Me class. Because fuck that.

Hello, identity crisis.

I’d read the emotional upheaval during pregnancy causes some women to temporarily become short-fused and unreasonable. Bitchy and unreasonable are pretty much my default settings, so pregnancy had the opposite effect on me. As my belly grew, I became more soft-spoken and docile, which scared the bejesus out of everyone who knows me. It was particularly disconcerting for my husband, who was used to my, um, adorably formidable nature. Watching me suddenly cry over an erroneous paint color in the nursery really freaked him out. He didn’t know what to do with this weepy, indecisive nincompoop except to hug her and say, “Who are you?”

I watched way too many Lifetime movies.

This resulted in a brief bout of paranoia not to mention a lingering mistrust of actress Meredith Baxter-Birney. I once slammed our front door in a stranger’s face, who I was convinced was there to cut my baby from my womb. Yeah, “sharing the good news of our Lord and Savior,” my ass! Keep your pamphlets. I know a baby-stealer when I see one.